Tag Archive | "Crane Kick Chronicles"

Ask CraneKicker Volume 8: The Return Of The Bachelor (With Spoilers)

Our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to cranekickchronicles@gmail.com.

Ask CK: Volume XIII (I think)

And we’re back. Sorry for the delay fans – even though Spike got a real job he said I could still post stuff here, but instead of answering your important questions I took a real liking to screwing with the Xbox Support team on Twitter. There are still a bunch more of those to be posted, but I didn’t want to leave America’s #1 most viewed advice column on SpikeEskin.com dormant for too much longer. So, I apologize for neglecting you. I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean it.


Like yourself, I am a ‘The Bachelor’ aficionado. With my favorite choice, Jennifer, having been eliminated a few weeks back, I am left to wonder who is the best for The Storm Horse? And not just hottest girl left (Lindzi) or the one I’d prefer (Kay Cee Bee) for a relationship. I struggle to think anyone but Courtney would be able to live with Ben’s double life more than her. The only Ben we’ve seen on The Bachelor is the sweet and innocent Rafa Nadal stunt double, but there is another side of him that needs to be addressed. Who is this other Ben? 


Lindzi, Kay Cee Bee, and Nikki are all extremely conservative women, and mostly sane. The guy singing this song is not. It has completely changed the way I look at Ben, and revealed to me why he’s kept Courtney around. She is the only other one with as severe Dissociative Identity Disorder as Ben/The Storm Horse. Thus I re-ask my question, will any of the other ladies be able to love all of the personalities of our Bachelor?

–        Greg @DiHSblog

You can forget about anyone other than Courtney winning this season for the simple fact that she is still on it. Crazy people don’t last on these types of shows by accident. Don’t get me wrong she’s totally hot, but she is also unequivocally nuts. Did you ever notice those funny faces she makes sometimes? It’s like her mind is contriving up these diabolical schemes and her face can’t control itself to keep them a secret. I kind of like it actually. It’s fun. I can’t wait until he meets her family. That’s going to be a free-for-all.


Let’s discuss Ben for a minute. Apparently, he’s not just some boring rich dude with a buttcut on a wine bender inside of a J. Crew catalog.  He’s also in a pervert rap group. Rapping about cream dreams and such. There’s a lot more to this guy’s story than we were originally led to believe.

The way I see it, Ben’s got a dark side he just can’t quit. He’s not on this show to find a wife who throws cocktail theme parties and obsesses over mismatched plateware. He’s looking for a wife who attends the cocktail parties in inappropriate outfits, gets drunk and “accidentally” follows someone else’s husband into the bathroom and then obnoxiously tells the story fifty times over the course of the night all while making Ben embarrassed and steamed to the point where later that night the two of them are in the outdoor hot tub having angry sex loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

What? Moving right along.

Back to Courtney. I’d like her a lot more if I never saw this:

Ughhh. Jesse Metcalf. Really? I never liked that guy. I’m not sure if it’s because he comes off as a total a-hole or because he got paid to frolic around with Eva Longoria while they were in their underwear. Probably both? Yeah. Both.

He definitely deserved this one:

Actually, the more I think about it, the two of them dating probably made sense, considering Courtney comes off on television about as cool as trying to walk around with a broken flip flop.

Back to Ben. If he really is just into taking home the crazy show piece, then why didn’t he give Blakely more of a shot? She has all the makings of the type of lady he was rapping about in the video above. Likes to party? She’s a professional VIP cocktail hostess. Desperate for attention? She pretty much made out with another girl on the first night she was on The Bachelor. Tattoo count? 4. Free spirited? Oh sure…..

Yeah, she would probably have been a fine fit for the old Storm Horse. So why’d he get rid of her? SHE WAS MAXIM HOT 100 IN 2006! Holy crap that’s a long time ago. I get it now.

Perhaps I’m wrong and Ben is just a good old, unlucky in love guy with a side of bad that he transformed into a rapping alter ego to blow off a little steam. Maybe he sees more in Courtney than just pretty looks with a side helping of wacky. Maybe….. he thinks he can help mold her into a fine Flajnik family member once the cameras are off. Or maybe he chooses someone else?


Yeah no that’s got Courtney written all over it. Sorry broski, tough luck once again. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. Like proposing to a random girl you went skinny dipping with on national TV. On the plus side, The Bachelor Pad looks like an AWESOME time. Get on that piece and get to work before Vienna decides she’s becoming a nun.

Thanks again for stopping by, everyone. Good to see all of your faces. As always, feel free to inquire about anything here.

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Ask CraneKicker Volume 2: How To Stalk A C-List Actress

New to spikeeskin.com, our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to @cranekickchronicles@gmail.com.

Hi again.

I have to admit, I basically expected this space to consist of bad jokes and my opinion on nonsense for the most part, but here we are just two weeks in and a pretty important request for advice lands in the “Ask Cranekicker” mailbox, which is great. Not saying I’m qualified or anything, just saying that it’s important to communicate and I will always try to point someone in the right direction who isn’t feeling so great about what’s going on in their life. Why? I’m nice sometimes I guess. (editor’s note: this qualifies as a disclaimer – spike) Here we go.

First time, long time.

My celebrity crush isn’t your standard Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba. My celebrity crush happens to be Party of Five’s Lacey Chabert. My love for her stems back to 1995, back when I was 11, back when Sid Fernandez was anchoring the Phillies rotation. I’ve seen her mainstream movies (Mean Girls), a TV movie where she played a quadriplegic, and even a god awful straight-to-TV, Cinderella-themed film: Elevator Girl (she carried a terrible script and lousy cast). Ms. Chabert is shorter than me (not easy to do) and around my age. I have never heard of her dating a fellow celebrity, which I, perhaps wishfully or maybe just pathetically, interpret as her preferring “regular guys.”

I would walk to the ends of this earth for this girl, Mr. Kicker. So my question is this: How do I meet Lacey Chabert? – From Dave @wheresbenrivera

Good old Gretchen Wieners? I like this celebrity crush for a few reasons. For starters, Lacey Chabert is hot and has a sweet lisp. Really that’s enough reason but if you need more, she seems nice, has a bunch of cash and probably (maybe) knows how to cook French-Creole cuisine. You really don’t see or hear about her on the circuit all that much and if you do some Googling there’s basically nothing in terms of relationship info. So either she flies way under the radar or she dates dudes that TMZ and Ryan Seacrest could care less about. This is potentially good news for you.

Now, being that she is a celebrity, I wouldn’t recommend trying to meet her without some sort of middleman. Most celebrity hookups are arranged by business managers or agents (which is a really sweet deal if you ask me – it’s like passing notes). So have your people call her people. Who are your people? Your mom probably, but that’s ok, women are excellent matchmakers.

Who are her people?

Lacey Chabert’s Managers:

Aron Giannini or Jeff Golenberg

The Collective

9100 Wilshire Boulevard

Suite 700 W

Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Phone: 310-288-8181

Lacey Chabert’s Agent:

Sara Ramaker


360 North Crescent Drive

North Building

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Phone: 310-288-8000

Lacey Chabert’s Attorney:

Fred Toczek


10880 Wilshire Boulevard

Suite 2070

Los Angeles, CA 90024

Phone: 310-441-8000

Let’s hope that last one doesn’t get involved but I listed it just in case. Good luck!

Say you had one “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” wish like in those commercials. What would you use it on? – From TH (@tholzerman)           

I can’t stand traffic. I’ve sat on the Schuylkill Expressway on many occasions terribly frustrated because not only is the traffic hellish, but people in the Greater Philadelphia area really know how to compound the situation by driving like a-holes. Merging and lane changing and brake slamming and cell phone talking line crossing etc, etc, etc. You all suck at driving. I suck at driving. WE suck at driving. It’s part of the game around these parts.

Which brings me to my State Farm wish. I wish my car could change into a helicopter at the push of a button. How incredible would that be? Traffic jam? See ya. I’m gonna push this button and a propeller is going to pop out of my roof and I’m going to fly home. Would I fly all of the time? No. I don’t want to be a pilot. I just like shortcuts. Would everyone else have helicopter cars too? Nope. Just me. It’s my wish. I don’t care about how anyone else gets home. I’m going Airwolf.

Dear Cranekicker,

I am in a hellish situation in which I have to go on cyber school since I am on disability. I’m very upset because I am at a Partial Hospital Program and I have a bad case of IBS, a condition in which if you get stressed out, you alternate between getting diarrhea and constipation. You can also get pain in your stomach. Anyway, kids flip out since it’s a psych classroom and I need to wait a couple of weeks until I start cyber school. I am sick of having to go to the bathroom when kids act out. My mom really is upset with me because I have Asperger’s Syndrome, very bad anxiety, and a mood disorder, which is a very bad combo. I act out every morning at school in order to attempt to get suspended, it hasn’t worked. What should I do about this dilemma? I have no idea anymore. I tell them day in and day out that the program is getting to me severly. Thanks for your help in advance. – From kylkoneski

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation for you, but the good news is it sounds like it’s going to get better soon.

My first piece of advice to you would be to forget about trying to get suspended. I know you think getting out of there sooner would help you feel better about things right now, but really, getting yourself into trouble will ultimately make your mood and anxiety worsen. You’ll have to answer a bunch of questions you won’t feel like answering and then who knows what else could come out of it. You don’t want to risk the cyber school being taken away or pushed back; it’s only a few weeks away and then you’ll have a fresh start.

Also, does this school have any counselors that you can really talk to about how you’re feeling? Opening up to someone who is qualified (more qualified than me, anyway) will really be helpful, but you have to be honest and don’t be embarrassed.

As for the kids in your class, forget about the ones who are giving you a hard time. Don’t allow them to bring you down. If anything, show them that you accept your bathroom situation for what it is and continue to go about your business. If someone acts out the next time you have to go, say something that will show them it doesn’t bother you…. “Yeah I know I go a lot… just be happy we’re not going on a road trip together any time soon.”

Most importantly, just remember that there is a light at the end of the next few weeks. Keep your head up and keep talking to people about how you feel.

That’s all for now. Send more stuff in and I’ll be glad to share my thoughts again next week.

PS – Steve Smith stinks.

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Ask CraneKicker Volume 1: T-Pain and The 72 Hour Marriage

New to spikeeskin.com, our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to @cranekickchronicles@gmail.com.

I woke up with a terrible headache this morning thanks to the Eagles. Can you believe they blew that game last night? Can you believe Jeffrey Lurie is still so out of touch with the fanbase that the team didn’t wear throwback kelly green uniforms on the night they were honoring Buddy Ryan? Can you believe Kristin Cavallari is dating Jay Cutler?

Ok – enough questions. This is a place for answers. We received a handful of quality submissions for the first edition of “Ask Cranekicker” which is great – I thought I’d have to post a bunch of fake questions for the first few weeks. If you sent something over and it’s not addressed yet, don’t worry, I am keeping all of them for future reference. (Spike has me on a word count)

Here goes.

Rank these names: T-Bob, T-Pain, T-Bone, T-Rex. From Andrew @obieaj

Interesting request, Andrew. I suspect that you have a child on the way and have been struggling with this one for some time. I’m glad I can help and I’ve decided to approach this from a musical standpoint.

  1. 1. T-Bone – Notorious B.I.G. once coined the line “A T-Bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape.” Seriously how good does that sound? It wouldn’t sound nearly as good if he said NY Strip or Flank. Also, T-Bone Walker could play the guitar with his teeth. (RIP Biggie Smalls and T-Bone Walker)
  2. T-Rex – You know what’s a really good song? “Get it on” by T.Rex. You know what’s a really good cover song? “Get it on” by Power Station (RIP Robert Palmer).
  3. T-Bob – Not sure how T-Bob relates to music directly but it’s close enough to T-Boz from TLC and there was no way T-Pain was finishing anywhere on this list but last. (RIP Left Eye Lopes)
  4. T-Pain – Oh hey T-Pain. Yeah thanks for doing the auto-tune thing, really glad that didn’t catch on. Actually, this is the only good thing to come out of the auto-tune craze, in my opinion. (RIP T-Pain)

If I could marry someone and divorce them 72 days later, who would you recommend and why? From Keith

Good question, Keith; this is an important topic. I would only recommend a 72 day marriage under the following circumstances:

–       You need a Green card

–       You’re marrying the child of an oil tycoon who thinks prenups “aren’t romantic”

–       You’re unsure if this is “the one” but the marriage includes a 71 day honeymoon

–       You are in Vegas with Britney Spears

Other than that I don’t think it’s a good idea. Granted, weddings are a ton of fun and all, but getting divorced sounds like a real hassle. It’s like “Yeah I know we used to get along and make out and stuff but I really think we should give someone a bunch of our money to tell us how much we hate each other and then do a bunch of paperwork.” No thanks. You could’ve used that money to learn kickboxing for 72 days in Brazil.

hi, do you know how to bake cookies from scratch AND do you like long walks on the beach? okay have a great day! :) love, me From Chloe @socuttered

Hi Chloe! I do like walks on the beach, but mostly because I get bored really quickly just sitting in a chair. I’ll go swim until my face is pruned, but people usually get tired of that a lot quicker than I do and they want to go sit down or play paddleball or something. Swimming by yourself can get kind of weird. You ever see those older people who just wade in the water smiling at the sky? Of course you have. You know you stare at them after a while and think they are strange. So to avoid that, I’ll recruit someone to go for a walk upon being abandoned in the ocean. You have to be careful though because a long walk on the beach can result in a really long walk if you walk too long in one direction.

As for your first question, here is a link to the best cookies in the world.

Well that’ll do it for the inaugural edition. I feel good about this. You should probably print this out and save it like a first edition comic book. If you want me to autograph it, I’ll think it over.

Thanks everyone for the questions and send more here.

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