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Ask CraneKicker Volume 8: The Return Of The Bachelor (With Spoilers)

Our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to cranekickchronicles@gmail.com.

Ask CK: Volume XIII (I think)

And we’re back. Sorry for the delay fans – even though Spike got a real job he said I could still post stuff here, but instead of answering your important questions I took a real liking to screwing with the Xbox Support team on Twitter. There are still a bunch more of those to be posted, but I didn’t want to leave America’s #1 most viewed advice column on SpikeEskin.com dormant for too much longer. So, I apologize for neglecting you. I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean it.

Hi/hey/yo/sup:

Like yourself, I am a ‘The Bachelor’ aficionado. With my favorite choice, Jennifer, having been eliminated a few weeks back, I am left to wonder who is the best for The Storm Horse? And not just hottest girl left (Lindzi) or the one I’d prefer (Kay Cee Bee) for a relationship. I struggle to think anyone but Courtney would be able to live with Ben’s double life more than her. The only Ben we’ve seen on The Bachelor is the sweet and innocent Rafa Nadal stunt double, but there is another side of him that needs to be addressed. Who is this other Ben? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWt_DifczOM

Lindzi, Kay Cee Bee, and Nikki are all extremely conservative women, and mostly sane. The guy singing this song is not. It has completely changed the way I look at Ben, and revealed to me why he’s kept Courtney around. She is the only other one with as severe Dissociative Identity Disorder as Ben/The Storm Horse. Thus I re-ask my question, will any of the other ladies be able to love all of the personalities of our Bachelor?

–        Greg @DiHSblog

You can forget about anyone other than Courtney winning this season for the simple fact that she is still on it. Crazy people don’t last on these types of shows by accident. Don’t get me wrong she’s totally hot, but she is also unequivocally nuts. Did you ever notice those funny faces she makes sometimes? It’s like her mind is contriving up these diabolical schemes and her face can’t control itself to keep them a secret. I kind of like it actually. It’s fun. I can’t wait until he meets her family. That’s going to be a free-for-all.

 

Let’s discuss Ben for a minute. Apparently, he’s not just some boring rich dude with a buttcut on a wine bender inside of a J. Crew catalog.  He’s also in a pervert rap group. Rapping about cream dreams and such. There’s a lot more to this guy’s story than we were originally led to believe.

The way I see it, Ben’s got a dark side he just can’t quit. He’s not on this show to find a wife who throws cocktail theme parties and obsesses over mismatched plateware. He’s looking for a wife who attends the cocktail parties in inappropriate outfits, gets drunk and “accidentally” follows someone else’s husband into the bathroom and then obnoxiously tells the story fifty times over the course of the night all while making Ben embarrassed and steamed to the point where later that night the two of them are in the outdoor hot tub having angry sex loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

What? Moving right along.

Back to Courtney. I’d like her a lot more if I never saw this:

Ughhh. Jesse Metcalf. Really? I never liked that guy. I’m not sure if it’s because he comes off as a total a-hole or because he got paid to frolic around with Eva Longoria while they were in their underwear. Probably both? Yeah. Both.

He definitely deserved this one:

Actually, the more I think about it, the two of them dating probably made sense, considering Courtney comes off on television about as cool as trying to walk around with a broken flip flop.

Back to Ben. If he really is just into taking home the crazy show piece, then why didn’t he give Blakely more of a shot? She has all the makings of the type of lady he was rapping about in the video above. Likes to party? She’s a professional VIP cocktail hostess. Desperate for attention? She pretty much made out with another girl on the first night she was on The Bachelor. Tattoo count? 4. Free spirited? Oh sure…..

Yeah, she would probably have been a fine fit for the old Storm Horse. So why’d he get rid of her? SHE WAS MAXIM HOT 100 IN 2006! Holy crap that’s a long time ago. I get it now.

Perhaps I’m wrong and Ben is just a good old, unlucky in love guy with a side of bad that he transformed into a rapping alter ego to blow off a little steam. Maybe he sees more in Courtney than just pretty looks with a side helping of wacky. Maybe….. he thinks he can help mold her into a fine Flajnik family member once the cameras are off. Or maybe he chooses someone else?

WHOOPS! SPOILER ALERT!

Yeah no that’s got Courtney written all over it. Sorry broski, tough luck once again. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. Like proposing to a random girl you went skinny dipping with on national TV. On the plus side, The Bachelor Pad looks like an AWESOME time. Get on that piece and get to work before Vienna decides she’s becoming a nun.

Thanks again for stopping by, everyone. Good to see all of your faces. As always, feel free to inquire about anything here.

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