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Ask CraneKicker Volume 6: Who Would Win In A Fight?

I’ve long been a fan of the question “Who Would Win In A Fight?” Utilizing the access to celebrities and athletes that the wonderful world of Twitter offers, I’ve randomly asked this question to an array of famous people on many occasions with some of the more outlandish match-ups. Why? Because I crack myself up. Has anyone ever responded? Sure. I forget who. But that’s not important. What is important is that the fine purveyor of this website, Spike Eskin, also has a history of asking people this question. Apparently, Spike has been a fan of this inquiry dating back to his Chicago days. He once even asked the late, great Harry Kalas in regards to a fight between a bear and a shark.Which brings us to the latest edition of “Ask Cranekicker” and first installment of “Who Would Win In A Fight?“

Two posts in one?! Happy Holidays.

So who would win in a fight, a man with no arms vs. a man with no legs? Here’s the situation, both men are 30 years old and when they were born, they were born with these disabilities. Also, they are the same man physically, except for the fact that one has no arms and the other has no legs. Both men, if they had all their limbs, would be six feet tall and 180 pounds. The fight is in the octagon, or whatever the hell that thing is.

First point (CK) – Ok. So with that said, man with no arms stands six feet tall. Man with no legs stands, well he doesn’t stand at all. He is about half the size of no-armed man (NAM for short). So NAM is at a clear advantage here as long as he uses his leg reach to his benefit. If he keeps the no legged man (NLM) away with short, quick leg kicks to the face the NLM has no shot. It’d be the equivalent of trying to keep Muggsy Bogues away if you are Manute Bol.

Counterpoint (Spike) – Did you read the question? I mean, first of all, I would take Muggsy Bogues in a fight over Manute Bol any day of the week. But that’s neither here nor there because it’s never going to happen. Mostly because Manute Bol passed away but secondly because I sent them both a contract to set up that very fight and Bol wanted way too much money. But let’s forget about those guys and talk about a guy who is very important. That guy?  His name is Rohan Murphy. Now CK, don’t google that name, I want you to just ask me, “Spike, who is Rohan Murphy?”

CK – I’m not even going to bother asking that because the question at hand isn’t about Rohan Murphy specifically, because if it were I would say the no armed man is Jackie Chan but with no arms.

Spike – I’m not really sure what that means. In any case, Rohan Murphy is this guy:

He’s a wrestler CK, and he doesn’t have any legs. And CK, he beats guys with arms and legs. So I ask you this, if a guy with no legs can beat men who have both arms and legs, why am I to believe he couldn’t beat a guy who didn’t have any arms? Answer: I’m not.CK – Are Muay Thai front kicks legal in wrestling? Because if they are then Rohan Murphy is a true beast. But if they aren’t, then you have no case. Because if a man with no legs attacks me I am kicking him right in the face and I don’t need arms for that.

Spike – You know what I hope? I hope your guy with no arms has hands on his feet. Otherwise, he won’t be able to grab anything, like my guy will. And while you’re furiously, well, while your GUY is furiously kicking, my guy will just be waiting for the right chance to sweep NAM’s foot, take him down, and choke him out. It’s all about the thumbs, CK.

CK – Think of it like playing dodgeball, but instead of dodging a ball you just kick a no-armed man in the face until he either falls over or retreats. Don’t need hands for that. Especially not feet hands.

Spike – I’d love to see the video of the kickball games you’ve played. I want to see a ball that has strong arms and hands and tries to get away from you while you kick it. And I want to see this ball that gets pissed off that you keep trying to kick him and punches you in the nuts and chokes you till you sleep. Must have been quite a game of kickball.

CK – If the ball is basically rolling at you it’s going to be pretty easy to kick. Especially if it has a face and you use a front kick. To the face. Because legs are longer than arms, so the reach is in play. And don’t even bother with a kick-catch technique because that’d basically be Van Gundy on Alonzo Mourning. (NBA reference #2 – #showyaluv)

Spike –Did I mention before that Andre Iguodala retweeted this question? (NBA reference #3 – #showyaluv) Do you still think the NAM is at a clear advantage, or are you too deep in the argument to back out, like my dad with Andy Reid?CK – If your dad had no arms and Andy Reid had no legs your dad would kick the crap out of him. While wearing an armless fur coat.

Spike – If Andy Reid had no legs and had to support himself with his arms, his arms would either end up being enormous or snapping like toothpicks.

CK –
I’d still take your armless dad.Spike –Jabba The Hut was a pimp. He had people doing whatever he wanted, and girls in chains. I’d take him in most any fight.CK – Who won in the end? Luke? And didn’t he have his arm cut off?

Spike – Neither person in this fight has been granted a light sabre or the ability to use The Force.

CK – Check this out:

You know what else that guy is probably awesome at? Front kicks to the face of men half his size who have no legs.Spike – I bet he’s great at sleeping with first cousins as well. Look, all I know is that I bet someone could take a few kicks to the head and still keep on going. I also know that if the guy with no legs, I forget what we’re calling him, but if the guy with no legs gets ahold of your backwoods gunslinger, it’s all over, and I’m betting he does it.

CK – Albert Einstein boinked his first cousin. Not saying it’s right. Just saying don’t knock NAM gunslinger for his discretions, he’s overcome a lot.

Spike – What’d his cousins look like? Just curious.

CK – Who Albert? Or NAM G?

Spike – Any of them? Anyone have any hot cousins?

CK – According to them they did. Einstein married his cousin who looks like the Wicked Witch of the West before she turned green.

Spike – Look anything like Scarlett Johansson? I don’t know how to spell her name.

CK – No, but funny you should mention that because I am about to go watch Water for Elephants. In closing – NAM wins this equally matched battle by TKO – Front kicks to the face.

Spike – Whatever you want. As long as you post one of those Scarlett Jo-whatever her name is pictures that someone from TMZ stole from her T-Mobile sidekick.

CK – Those are almost as easy to find as the Lindsay Lohan leaked Playboy ones. Google how to spell her name then add the words “nude photo” or “boobies for spike”. Yahtzee.

Have an opinion on who would win this fight? Cast your fight vote now. Also, keep your questions coming for “Ask Cranekicker” here. It’s going to be a crazy 2012. You’ll need all the help you can get.

CK postscript – Ummm Scarlett Johansson isn’t even in Water for Elephants. Reese Witherspoon is. I was tricked. Total bs.

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