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Ask CraneKicker Volume 4: A Blue Penis Is The Cure For The Common Cold

New to, our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to

Good afternoon.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving. I did. I ate a lot. But then I woke up on Friday with a pretty sweet bronchial infection that included a side of supersnot and extra coughing, so my leftovers were somewhat tasteless – not to mention I ran around outside all day, which didn’t help matters.

Here’s how I attempted to take care of my symptoms since I hate going to the doctor:

Friday – Mucinex Fast-Max syrup. I kid you not, this tastes like the pink stuff you used to drink as a kid when you got an ear infection. Remember that medicine? IT WAS SO GOOD. Tasted like bubblegum married ice cream. I was really excited when I found out the Mucinex product tasted so great. It works pretty well too.

Saturday – Multi-vitamins and Neti Pot. You don’t Neti Pot? Step your game up, the Neti Pot is magical. I don’t care if it looks like I’m sticking a blue penis into my nose, it does wonders. It gets ALL the crap out.

Sunday – Some over the counter stuff I picked up at Hess while buying the new Hess truck for my nephew. It didn’t work, but the Hess truck is totally sweet. It has a truck and a race car this year. Although the $27 price point is a bit ridiculous for two plastic toys that don’t even have remote controls.

Monday – Robitussin DM Max Cough + Chest Congestion.  It’s working ok. I felt pretty good overnight. Easy to swill from the bottle. (I ran out of the Mucinex)

Tuesday – Neti Pot and General Tso’s chicken.  Felt pretty good this morning after a Neti Pot in the shower. General Tso’s kept me going through the early afternoon. If this trend continues I doubt I will go to the doctor on Friday as planned (yes, a week later).

I could go on about the nose peen all day, but I have questions to answer. Leggo.

CK:  Wine coolers or Zima?

Thanks. – From Mike Tolen

The last time I had Zima was after my 8th grade graduation party. My friends and I snuck out and met up in the woods. Somehow there was Zima there. I think a sister or cousin bought it. We drank Zima on a trestle for a few hours and probably acted like idiots and thought we were way cooler than we should have. I recall one kid slipping through the train tracks up to his knee and scraping his entire leg. Not sure how he explained that one to his parents, but that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened. At some point after drinking some Zima I threw up on my friend. It was bright red. All pizza rolls I think. Really gross. Needless to say word spread quickly and we all got in trouble just in time for summer to start. So my answer to your question will always be wine coolers.

What’s the inspiration behind the Crane Kick Chronicles? And if you could have a cranekickoff with any three people in history, who would they be? From Andrew O’brien

There is no inspiration really. I think I’ve been asked that a few times and given a different answer each time. I think my dad did it randomly once and I took a picture. I tend to blame the idea on him but really it started out of nowhere as a joke. Next thing I know people are craning left and right. And this was way before planking or owling or Tebowing. Seriously I have an email folder full of random people doing crane kicks that I just forget to post. I guess I should do that more often. It’s funny sometimes.

Three people in history to do a cranekickoff? Hmmmm. I think I’d like to see Manute Bol do a crane kick…and maybe Abe Lincoln… annnnnnd Martha Stewart.

And finally….

My question is: “How long is too long to admire a dump you just took?” From Ryan @Petzrawr

The only thing I admire is my score on High Noon. A few games on the iPhone and I’m out. Anything longer than that is too long in my book.

Until next week, send your questions here.

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