Categorized | Ask CraneKicker, Fun Stuff

Ask CraneKicker Volume 3: Twilight, Harry Potter and Eva Mendes

I’m a little side tracked this week. I’m currently in training (mentally) for the Man of the Year competition. It’s basically the yearly Olympics for immature adults – i.e. my friends and I. There’s a trophy awarded to the champion and all entrants get a commemorative shirt to go along with a pulled groin. I came in second last year in the inaugural event. Maybe third. I forget, but I know I was in the lead heading into the home stretch and closed terribly. I plan on winning this year despite some of my stronger events being replaced with some new, completely unsafe tasks.

Here’s the schedule for the 2011 MOTY –

Outdoor Events:

Obstacle course
100 meter dash
Home run Derby
Knife throwing

Indoor Events:

40 oz. dash (beer chugging)
Cool hand Luke (who can keep their hand in a bucket of ice the longest)
Push-up contest
Beer pong tournament

Did I mention this takes place the day after Thanksgiving? Should be fun throwing up all day. Wish me luck.

If you had to be trapped in an elevator for 48 hours with any 3 people, who would they be, and why? (James Franco is not an allowable answer.) – From Matt (@shmeelz)

I’ve thought about this for way too long.  I’ve decided to wing it because I want to go eat something asap.

Here goes.

  1. The dude who shot Osama bin Laden – I am still really intrigued by that mission. I think after the first 24 hours he would start to loosen up with the confidential information. I would want to know every detail from start to finish of exactly what happened. Things like:

What music was playing to pump you guys up for the mission? (AC/DC prolly)

Were there any weird animals in the compound? (Three horned goats?!?)

When you landed back at the base was there a king’s feast with giant turkey drumsticks and growlers of beer? (I made that one up in my head because it sounds fun)

What was bin Laden wearing when you shot him? (please say tighty whities and a Mets headband)

Would he tell me the truth? Who knows? But 48 hours is a frigging long time and I’d need some solid story telling. I think he’d lay it all out there eventually. And by eventually I mean Eva Mendes will be able to get it out of him.

2. Eva Mendes. Self-explanatory. She’s super hot. (Also: see above)

3. Lindsay Lohan. I’m 100% certain that she carries a fifth of booze in her purse at all times. That will come in              handy. Also, she will probably go crazy at some point around hour 28 and hopefully someone will hear her                    yelling and speed up the rescue efforts.

GO. What is the difference between Harry Potter and Twilight?  Despite
having NEVER SEEN HARRY POTTER. LAME…. – From Jen A. Miller @jerseyshorejen

It’s true. I have never seen Harry Potter. I may or may not have seen Twilight.

Ok – I’ve seen three of them. But NOT in the movies. That’s for nerds. I’ve only watched them by accident while clicking around on the TV. Except for that time I was asked to get one on Blu-Ray from Netflix. (The scenery looked really great in HD and the flying wolves and vampires were totally cool and don’t even get me started on that Bella Swan…she’s so mysterious)

Anyway, this is how I see it:

Harry Potter is basically a bunch of 6th graders who play polo on broomsticks and practice wicca, while Twilight is basically a bunch of high schoolers who play baseball in the middle of the woods and skip school when the weather is nice. That’s really it. Sure there are monsters in both, but from what I’ve heard the monsters in Harry Potter are basically ripped off Orcs from Lord of the Rings. Actually, I just picture Harry Potter as a whole being a knock off of Lord of the Rings. If Lord of the Rings is Top Gun, Harry Potter is Iron Eagle. Think about it. JK Rowling… JRR Tolkien. Voldemort… Sarumon. Hogwarts….Mordor. Total rip.

Meanwhile, Twilight is more of a Lost Boys prequel. But with Native American wolves and the guy from Can’t Hardly Wait who now has a bunch of emo kids. By the way, he looks way too young to have all of those kids. Not to mention he’s entirely too sickly looking to be a doctor. I wouldn’t trust that guy. He looks like he has tuberculosis. Did you know that dude was married to Kelly Taylor from 90210 in real life? Yeah me neither.

So to recap: Harry Potter aka Iron Eagle II: The Craft < Twilight aka Lost Boys with Wolves < Lord of the Rings.

Hey CK, you want my Aunt’s pumpkin muffin recipe? It’s really good.


Max L.

YUP. With cream cheese icing. Make it happen.

Until next time. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and please be safe. And by safe I mean stay the hell away from Wal-Mart on Friday.


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