Categorized | Ask CraneKicker, Fun Stuff

Ask CraneKicker Volume 2: How To Stalk A C-List Actress

New to spikeeskin.com, our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to @cranekickchronicles@gmail.com.

Hi again.

I have to admit, I basically expected this space to consist of bad jokes and my opinion on nonsense for the most part, but here we are just two weeks in and a pretty important request for advice lands in the “Ask Cranekicker” mailbox, which is great. Not saying I’m qualified or anything, just saying that it’s important to communicate and I will always try to point someone in the right direction who isn’t feeling so great about what’s going on in their life. Why? I’m nice sometimes I guess. (editor’s note: this qualifies as a disclaimer – spike) Here we go.

First time, long time.

My celebrity crush isn’t your standard Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba. My celebrity crush happens to be Party of Five’s Lacey Chabert. My love for her stems back to 1995, back when I was 11, back when Sid Fernandez was anchoring the Phillies rotation. I’ve seen her mainstream movies (Mean Girls), a TV movie where she played a quadriplegic, and even a god awful straight-to-TV, Cinderella-themed film: Elevator Girl (she carried a terrible script and lousy cast). Ms. Chabert is shorter than me (not easy to do) and around my age. I have never heard of her dating a fellow celebrity, which I, perhaps wishfully or maybe just pathetically, interpret as her preferring “regular guys.”

I would walk to the ends of this earth for this girl, Mr. Kicker. So my question is this: How do I meet Lacey Chabert? – From Dave @wheresbenrivera

Good old Gretchen Wieners? I like this celebrity crush for a few reasons. For starters, Lacey Chabert is hot and has a sweet lisp. Really that’s enough reason but if you need more, she seems nice, has a bunch of cash and probably (maybe) knows how to cook French-Creole cuisine. You really don’t see or hear about her on the circuit all that much and if you do some Googling there’s basically nothing in terms of relationship info. So either she flies way under the radar or she dates dudes that TMZ and Ryan Seacrest could care less about. This is potentially good news for you.

Now, being that she is a celebrity, I wouldn’t recommend trying to meet her without some sort of middleman. Most celebrity hookups are arranged by business managers or agents (which is a really sweet deal if you ask me – it’s like passing notes). So have your people call her people. Who are your people? Your mom probably, but that’s ok, women are excellent matchmakers.

Who are her people?

Lacey Chabert’s Managers:

Aron Giannini or Jeff Golenberg

The Collective

9100 Wilshire Boulevard

Suite 700 W

Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Phone: 310-288-8181

Lacey Chabert’s Agent:

Sara Ramaker

Paradigm

360 North Crescent Drive

North Building

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Phone: 310-288-8000

Lacey Chabert’s Attorney:

Fred Toczek

Nelson/Felker

10880 Wilshire Boulevard

Suite 2070

Los Angeles, CA 90024

Phone: 310-441-8000

Let’s hope that last one doesn’t get involved but I listed it just in case. Good luck!

Say you had one “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” wish like in those commercials. What would you use it on? – From TH (@tholzerman)           

I can’t stand traffic. I’ve sat on the Schuylkill Expressway on many occasions terribly frustrated because not only is the traffic hellish, but people in the Greater Philadelphia area really know how to compound the situation by driving like a-holes. Merging and lane changing and brake slamming and cell phone talking line crossing etc, etc, etc. You all suck at driving. I suck at driving. WE suck at driving. It’s part of the game around these parts.

Which brings me to my State Farm wish. I wish my car could change into a helicopter at the push of a button. How incredible would that be? Traffic jam? See ya. I’m gonna push this button and a propeller is going to pop out of my roof and I’m going to fly home. Would I fly all of the time? No. I don’t want to be a pilot. I just like shortcuts. Would everyone else have helicopter cars too? Nope. Just me. It’s my wish. I don’t care about how anyone else gets home. I’m going Airwolf.

Dear Cranekicker,

I am in a hellish situation in which I have to go on cyber school since I am on disability. I’m very upset because I am at a Partial Hospital Program and I have a bad case of IBS, a condition in which if you get stressed out, you alternate between getting diarrhea and constipation. You can also get pain in your stomach. Anyway, kids flip out since it’s a psych classroom and I need to wait a couple of weeks until I start cyber school. I am sick of having to go to the bathroom when kids act out. My mom really is upset with me because I have Asperger’s Syndrome, very bad anxiety, and a mood disorder, which is a very bad combo. I act out every morning at school in order to attempt to get suspended, it hasn’t worked. What should I do about this dilemma? I have no idea anymore. I tell them day in and day out that the program is getting to me severly. Thanks for your help in advance. – From kylkoneski

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation for you, but the good news is it sounds like it’s going to get better soon.

My first piece of advice to you would be to forget about trying to get suspended. I know you think getting out of there sooner would help you feel better about things right now, but really, getting yourself into trouble will ultimately make your mood and anxiety worsen. You’ll have to answer a bunch of questions you won’t feel like answering and then who knows what else could come out of it. You don’t want to risk the cyber school being taken away or pushed back; it’s only a few weeks away and then you’ll have a fresh start.

Also, does this school have any counselors that you can really talk to about how you’re feeling? Opening up to someone who is qualified (more qualified than me, anyway) will really be helpful, but you have to be honest and don’t be embarrassed.

As for the kids in your class, forget about the ones who are giving you a hard time. Don’t allow them to bring you down. If anything, show them that you accept your bathroom situation for what it is and continue to go about your business. If someone acts out the next time you have to go, say something that will show them it doesn’t bother you…. “Yeah I know I go a lot… just be happy we’re not going on a road trip together any time soon.”

Most importantly, just remember that there is a light at the end of the next few weeks. Keep your head up and keep talking to people about how you feel.

That’s all for now. Send more stuff in and I’ll be glad to share my thoughts again next week.

PS – Steve Smith stinks.

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