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Ask CraneKicker Volume 1: T-Pain and The 72 Hour Marriage

New to, our favorite Twitter all-star @CraneKicker answers your pleas for advice. If you’d like to ask a question for next week’s column, email to

I woke up with a terrible headache this morning thanks to the Eagles. Can you believe they blew that game last night? Can you believe Jeffrey Lurie is still so out of touch with the fanbase that the team didn’t wear throwback kelly green uniforms on the night they were honoring Buddy Ryan? Can you believe Kristin Cavallari is dating Jay Cutler?

Ok – enough questions. This is a place for answers. We received a handful of quality submissions for the first edition of “Ask Cranekicker” which is great – I thought I’d have to post a bunch of fake questions for the first few weeks. If you sent something over and it’s not addressed yet, don’t worry, I am keeping all of them for future reference. (Spike has me on a word count)

Here goes.

Rank these names: T-Bob, T-Pain, T-Bone, T-Rex. From Andrew @obieaj

Interesting request, Andrew. I suspect that you have a child on the way and have been struggling with this one for some time. I’m glad I can help and I’ve decided to approach this from a musical standpoint.

  1. 1. T-Bone – Notorious B.I.G. once coined the line “A T-Bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape.” Seriously how good does that sound? It wouldn’t sound nearly as good if he said NY Strip or Flank. Also, T-Bone Walker could play the guitar with his teeth. (RIP Biggie Smalls and T-Bone Walker)
  2. T-Rex – You know what’s a really good song? “Get it on” by T.Rex. You know what’s a really good cover song? “Get it on” by Power Station (RIP Robert Palmer).
  3. T-Bob – Not sure how T-Bob relates to music directly but it’s close enough to T-Boz from TLC and there was no way T-Pain was finishing anywhere on this list but last. (RIP Left Eye Lopes)
  4. T-Pain – Oh hey T-Pain. Yeah thanks for doing the auto-tune thing, really glad that didn’t catch on. Actually, this is the only good thing to come out of the auto-tune craze, in my opinion. (RIP T-Pain)

If I could marry someone and divorce them 72 days later, who would you recommend and why? From Keith

Good question, Keith; this is an important topic. I would only recommend a 72 day marriage under the following circumstances:

–       You need a Green card

–       You’re marrying the child of an oil tycoon who thinks prenups “aren’t romantic”

–       You’re unsure if this is “the one” but the marriage includes a 71 day honeymoon

–       You are in Vegas with Britney Spears

Other than that I don’t think it’s a good idea. Granted, weddings are a ton of fun and all, but getting divorced sounds like a real hassle. It’s like “Yeah I know we used to get along and make out and stuff but I really think we should give someone a bunch of our money to tell us how much we hate each other and then do a bunch of paperwork.” No thanks. You could’ve used that money to learn kickboxing for 72 days in Brazil.

hi, do you know how to bake cookies from scratch AND do you like long walks on the beach? okay have a great day! :) love, me From Chloe @socuttered

Hi Chloe! I do like walks on the beach, but mostly because I get bored really quickly just sitting in a chair. I’ll go swim until my face is pruned, but people usually get tired of that a lot quicker than I do and they want to go sit down or play paddleball or something. Swimming by yourself can get kind of weird. You ever see those older people who just wade in the water smiling at the sky? Of course you have. You know you stare at them after a while and think they are strange. So to avoid that, I’ll recruit someone to go for a walk upon being abandoned in the ocean. You have to be careful though because a long walk on the beach can result in a really long walk if you walk too long in one direction.

As for your first question, here is a link to the best cookies in the world.

Well that’ll do it for the inaugural edition. I feel good about this. You should probably print this out and save it like a first edition comic book. If you want me to autograph it, I’ll think it over.

Thanks everyone for the questions and send more here.

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