Categorized | National Sports

Who Gets The Vaccine?

Imagine, there’s a flesh-eating virus. Even worse, imagine there’s a virus that turns people into the “infected,” like in 28 Days Later. Also imagine, there’s limited vaccine supply. Who gets it?

I’m imagining that the decision is up to me. I’m going to have to start eliminating people. Who are the unlucky masses that won’t get the vaccine, and are left as mindless animals, roaming vacant cities for blood?

I’ve decided to eliminate people based on sports and social media factors. Seems like maybe a superficial way to do things, does it? Maybe. But the fact is that I don’t get outside much right now, and it’s all I’ve got.

I’m listing these in order of elimination.

You tweet and/or update Facebook status about pro wrestling

Sorry folks, you’re not getting any vaccine. Truth be told, I don’t need this guy rebuilding society.



You live in a major city and cheer for either the Cowboys or the Yankees, and do not live in Dallas or New York (or are not from there), respectively

Nope, no vaccines for you guys either. The fact is, the choice of who you’re supposed to cheer for has always been obvious for you, and you’ve made bad choices. I don’t need you rebuilding society either.



Here's a guy


You enjoy listening to Jon Gruden in any fashion that isn’t ironic or for comedy purposes only

This also goes for Chris Collingsworth, though I’m not sure how you could even enjoy him ironically.



You regularly misuse apostrophes or ellipses on Facebook or Twitter

My new world is going to have a bunch of people who are really good at using punctuation.

You don’t have a solid handle on their/they’re/there or it’s/its

We all make mistakes now and again, but if I can tell it’s a regular thing with you, you’re getting the virus.

It’s “should have,” and not “should of.”

And if you don’t know the difference, you’re going to get the disease.

You report breaking news as if you’re the one breaking it

My new world is going to be an honest one. We don’t need any Facebook reporters.

You’re a huge Flyers fan

JUST KIDDING GUYS! Just wanted to get you riled up. Just your friendly neighborhood Sixers fan taking a little shot at you. You can have the vaccine.

Who else doesn’t get the vaccine?

  • miKe,1

    its a good, thing your not in in charge of the vaccine then Spike. i imagine their are alot of people out their whom would be upset about not getting there vaccine. I guess they should of payed more attention in school !!!!!! Go Lakers!!!!

  • Nicole

    I better get a shot. Shit man, that would blow.

  • Shell

    People that drive with their turn signals on and/or go slow in the left lane, Septa bus drivers, people that pay for things with all change, people that have what SHOULD be extremely personal conversations in public on their cell phones, if you’ve EVER seriously said like “it be”, “she/he be like”, etc., people that when paying at a store fail to get off their cell phones, people who are mean for the sake of being mean, those that use the word ‘jawn’ (I mean, is that even really a word?!), people that leave a mess in the kitchen/bathroom in the workplace, people that don’t turn off their cell phones in movie theaters… and then answer them when they ring, the entire Jersey Shore cast (except maybe Jwoww, because she actually is very well educated), those with a false self of entitlement, parents that think Walmart is a playground for their children… Should I go on? Oh, and of course the rapists, murders, animal abusers and child molesters.

  • Taz

    The Philadelphia Parking Authority.

  • FullyCuttered

    Conspiracy Theorists

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